thinking about shit again I’m thinking about how much I hate everything around me….. I want to tear all down and recreate in my own image. I’m thinking about really writing again because I need a change. These feelings are starting to get to me again and I ‘m realize that I’m the only person I can talk to. In a lot of ways I’ve isolated myself. I don’t even think there is anyone else out there for me. Its been a real long while since I’ve connected with another human being. just tell people what they want to hear and they won’t know any better. Tell them what you really feel they patronize the ideals that you hold the dearest. The Ideals that you would die for. so its better to not let them know at all. The only person here to blame is me at the end of the day is me. you know I was having a conversations with myself a lot recently and I think its starting to help out a lot. The conclusion that me and myself have come to is that I hope that I lose it one day. you know just go over the edge in all honesty. because right now I serve little to human kind in general so If I go off into the deep end one of two things can happen. I can obsessed with righting all the wrongs that I ever made in my life, and try to redeem my pitiful self or  I could let out all the hatred I have mainly for my family. If it were up to me I probably wouldn’t be here right now. I mean I have a lot of flaws but I see how some of my best qualities came from my less than stable mental state. I guess its true when they say that desperate calls for desperate measures.  but still its not enough I need more….